A wise friend once told me, "You can be excellent at everything you do in life, but not all at the same time." This has stuck with me in a profound way because I am a perfectionist. I mean, you honestly might not see that looking into my life, but it's true. I'm a hot mess, and I think those closest to me would not disagree:
What I'm saying is that I'm kind of a tornado at times. And it drives me bonkers because I desire to have this Type A, everything in order lifestyle. But I just can't swing it. I've spent a lot of my life trying to fight this natural instinct for chaos. I masked it pretty darn well for a while. And then nursing school hit and you know, it's just been whirlwind since then.
The thing about being a hot mess is that it's kind of adorable to those around you. Maybe it's just my experience, but I have a ridiculous amount of people that love the heck out of me despite the crazy. Like, "Of course Steph would forget to pack shoes, she is just hilariously all over the place!". But would it be that hard for me to just get it together?
The problem with simultaneously being a hot mess and a perfectionist is this self shame game we play. Women are so good at this and I'm guilty. I swing on this pendulum of wanting to be myself but wanting to be this superwoman version more. I'm disappointed when I haven't been the wife to my husband that I could have been or I realize it's been weeks since I last talked on the phone with my family. I cringe when I think about how much time I wasted on Pinterest when there are a million things I could have been doing to organize my life. And darn it, how long has it been since I've really talked with the Lord? I let the lies of the Enemy creep in: "You aren't good enough. You won't ever be good enough. These good things in your life are temporary because you can't manage it all. Don't even think about adding kids into this mess."
But no. Just NO. I know this isn't the way I want to live my life. Enough with this desire for control. It's time to accept myself, for who I am. Mess and all.
I'm preaching to ME, because those are lies. I am worthy. I am daughter of the most High King. He called me to Himself when I was in filthy rags and He won't leave me to do this life on my own.
"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest in me." 2 Corinthians 12:9
His grace is sufficient in my mess. I'm free to be because he has unlocked those chains of perfection in my life. He is MY perfection. I still have a long way to go in this life, and I won't stop striving to become the best version of myself. God has promised He won't stop working on this wrecking ball until I look more and more like His son (Hallelujah!). My desire to be a loving wife, an awesome big sister, a compassionate nurse and a faithful friend: those are all GREAT things! But do you know what else is great? Owning up to the fact that I fail at all of those.
"You can be excellent at everything you do in life, but not all at the same time."
There are times in life that certain things are at the forefront. I hear that having kiddos is one of the best examples of this. I have incredible friends that have modeled this well. Motherhood is sacrifice, and to prioritize your children often means other things go to the back burner for a season. Marriage is another relationship that requires time and energy for the good of the covenant. These are sweet gifts that take precious care and attention.
I have learned that when I work a ton of overtime, I'm just not a very nice person to be around. But in my professional life, I rocked it!. When I exercise every day and meal prep like a boss, I usually end up putting something else on the back burner.
Time management is a beautiful thing, and not to be taken lightly. In that regard, it's a work in progress. But more importantly, I'm learning to be ok with myself in the midst of the mess. I'm not perfect and the more years that go by, I'm ok with that.
Be gracious with yourself. The words you speak into your soul have power. Make sure they are full of truth, okay?
Hey! I'm Stephanie. I'm super excited you are here with me! I'm a lover of all things Jesus, health, family and friendship. Stick around for some wonderful ramblings about life, love & the pursuit of JOY <3